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Re: I've been kidding myself

Posted: Sat Jan 11, 2020 12:48 pm
by Muir
I hope you manage to talk to her. I think sometimes just talking it out with someone can really help. It's horrible when things feel so wrong and it seems like there's no reason for it.

Re: I've been kidding myself

Posted: Sat Jan 11, 2020 5:29 pm
by Puck
Me and mum had a good chat about it all! I still diverted but she knows how I'm feeling so it's a start!

Re: I've been kidding myself

Posted: Sat Jan 11, 2020 5:51 pm
by Muir
I'm really glad you managed to tell her how you were feeling

Re: I've been kidding myself

Posted: Sat Jan 11, 2020 5:54 pm
by Spork.
Well done for speaking up Meg. That in itself is something positive that you should feel proud of.

Re: I've been kidding myself

Posted: Sat Jan 11, 2020 6:24 pm
by Puck
Thank you both

Re: I've been kidding myself

Posted: Sun Jan 12, 2020 9:22 am
by Spork.
You're always welcome :)

Re: I've been kidding myself

Posted: Sat Jan 18, 2020 5:44 pm
by Puck
I've been on my own all day, fighting self harm and voices with paranoia, the neighbours have been banging and I feel like I've constantly been on the verge of throwing up. I tried to sleep and tried to watch tv or read but couldn't focus. I just lied down in my room with curtains closed and weighted blanket and dog when we cuddled it soothed me. I decided to take dog on a longer walk as it's a nice day but it was hell anxiety was awful and I just wanted to get home. I felt fear for My life, i focused on my dog he was happy enough so just talked to him and watched him sniff and wag his tail. I was in desperate need of my mum, i needed to not be alone. But she said the neighbours daughter (not building neighbours) came out and he's broken his hip awaiting an ambulance she's been around there half an hour I wanted to say please don't go. But I just came across and horrible and selfish. Which she told me and I've been holding back tears since. But I felt so alone and bad today, and I don't like this person. I feel like she runs around after everyone else and shows so much compassion and kindness and I don't feel I fit into that circle, i know she loves me but I don't want to be more of a burden on her heart . I didn't mean to be horrible I do care about them but it just was the last straw. I just want to not feel like this, i want suicide to stop being an answer, but this chaos I have right now is unbearable, i hate how things are.

Re: I've been kidding myself

Posted: Sat Jan 18, 2020 5:50 pm
by Spork.
It sounds like your brain is in a big rush right now Meg and that's a really difficult thing to handle.

I'm sorry the dog walk didn't go to plan but I do think it's still important to recognise that you showed control and power both by choosing to walk the dog instead of harming and by your focus on the dog when things were difficult.

It's not selfish to want your mum when you're having a difficult time but that also doesn't always mean you'll be top of the list of need, which is sucky for sure. When you say 'Which she told me' do you mean she told you that you were selfish?

Finally, you are absolutely not a horrible person. You are somebody who is struggling right now. You're always welcome to post here or personally DM me if you'd like.

Re: I've been kidding myself

Posted: Sat Jan 18, 2020 5:54 pm
by Muir
I'm sorry Meg, that sounds like a really rough day. It sounds like being in bed with the weighted blanket and having dog cuddles helped the most so maybe today is dog snuggles and bed day?

It's hard when you need someone and they're busy with other things and it doesn't get across to them how much you need them. She does love you though, and I'm sure she doesn't see you as a burden, and I'm sure she doesn't think you're horrible or selfish either. Just sometimes we say things we don't mean when stressed or frustrated or dealing with other things.

We very much are about you and like having you here.

Re: I've been kidding myself

Posted: Sat Jan 18, 2020 9:47 pm
by Puck
Thanks both. I appreciate your mind replies. She did call me horrible and I got pretty messed up, took prn, waited an hour and a half for mum to come home, and I made dinner I know she loves me and I know I'm not the top of the list I just got so close to doing something stupid but I didn't as it would have been too hurtful to her but by God it was desperate, i was so scared . I'm safe now, watching assassin's creed with a chamomile tea. I didn't give in so that's an achievement and I talked to my dog while she was at the neighbours and he sat on me and fell asleep, he's a sensitive boy.