I've been kidding myself

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Puck
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Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Puck »

We tried it when I was in hospital,it was a horrid experience she ended up yelling at them.. She wouldn't be open to it at all mostly because she's a therapist herself now and even though she knows better now she's quite vulnerable to perceived criticism. I love her to bits but she can be infuriating at times like all mum's I suppose . Today she is saying I shouldn't be driving because of impulses even though I'd never use my car in a violent way I'm very road aware so why she's doing that i don't know. Yes I self harmed but I'd never put anyone else's lives at risk for myself. All I need is some freedom I only use the car on small journeys to the gym and back three times a week, a straight road one roundabout seven to the minutes long.

I don't like it when I feel trapped and I feel like a caged tiger pacing, I'm not sleeping and when I do sleep I have nightmares so I'm not rested, I'm easily angered and then tearful. I miss my mates from Leamington I'd get away once a month or two months at most, be away for four days usually see my mates have connection, feedback from tutors, learn new things have some laughs as well. It was three years of it and I just miss that meg, i have no friends here I know people at the gym, that's my closest thing and I'm happy while I'm there which is why I don't want to lose that because it's the only thing that helps.

And I'm so worried about tomorrow I know logically the room is perfect but I'm scared I'll mess it up, I called my mh trust this morning waiting on a call back from the duty worker so i took action just hoping I haven't made a mistake. I'm going into town in an hour to meet my dad and I won't be back until 7:30. I hope they do ring I've been anxiously waiting
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Spork.
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Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Spork. »

It's really really difficult when you're trying to work on things or having a conversation with somebody who perceives things as criticisms/attacks. It can get incredibly frustrating and then you lose your temper and justify their feeling attacked and it's just a nightmare scenario so you have my sympathy on that.

Is there anything going on in the local area that would increase the amount of people you knew and give you a bit more of a life? I can understand the feeling trapped and I absolutely believe you'd never put anybody else at risk.

Well done for calling your trust. Taking action is a good thing. Even if it doesn't go the way you want it to it's not a mistake because you're not coping with things as they are currently anyway.
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Puck
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Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Puck »

The duty worker still hasn't got back to me Will give them another ring on Monday morning, still have the rest of today though.
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Muir
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Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Muir »

I'm sorry they haven't gotten back to you. Definitely call again if they don't. How are you doing?
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Spork.
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Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Spork. »

They can be a bit rubbish sometimes at finding the time to get back to everybody. I hope they do soon but calling on Monday sounds like a good idea if not.
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Puck
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Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Puck »

They still didn't ring so will ring them on Monday. I'm feeling really run down mentally and physically, mum's making me have a week off the gym but I agreed, i need a rest, I think three times a week is too much for me right now it's just building up the courage to admit what I need, i get so scared of what people think of me and put my own wellbeing in the background to continue pleasing them. It's both our birthdays next week so we can do something nice together. So far are going for an indian and see Doolittle and a walk with the dog to see the snow drops in the local woods. I'm looking forward to it, I wish I was a bit happier at the moment I feel on hyperdrive trying to do all sorts of things and try and control my situation. I haven't self harmed since telling my mum but the craving is still there when at my worst. Thank you for checking in, it means a lot
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Muir
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Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Muir »

I think a rest is a good idea, and learning to recognise and admit what you need and to put your wellbeing first is really important and a very positive thing. Ooh yay for birthdays next week, it sounds like you have some lovely things planned. I want in on the Indian! I'm sorry the craving is still there, but well done on managing not to. You're taking good steps to look after you, I know that isn't always easy but I'm proud of you for trying. Of course, always here if you need anything
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Spork.
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Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Spork. »

A week off sounds like a really good idea Meg and all those things sound nice!
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Puck
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Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Puck »

Thank you both, for your kind words! You're more than welcome to join in on the Indian Muir ;)
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Spork.
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Re: I've been kidding myself

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You're always welcome :)
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