Alcohol, I guess

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nonperson
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Alcohol, I guess

Post by nonperson »

Been staring at this for a while and think I just need to get this out but not sure what "this" is.

Basically I just want to get blackout drunk. I want nothingness and I want that surge of emotion, I want to connect with the world, connect with people and although that's all fake, I can't stop thinking and planning how I'm going to go about it. I purged my entire house of alcohol at the end of January and have had exactly four drinks since then as I had been making myself so unwell that I decided I had to stop... and I'm not talking hangover unwell, it was much more than that, more like body-shutting-down unwell.

I'm not in a good place. I searched my medicine cupboard, with disappointing results, for something I could mix with the one remaining drink I do have... but there was nothing. This is unlike me. I think I'm desperate for an escape. And I don't know where to go with this.

It could all be a reaction to my ex-supervisor leaving work entirely... and that I have spent years blaming her for everything, but she's not around now and it's all still there which means it's me, it's always been me, and I can't get away from myself.
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Spork.
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Re: Alcohol, I guess

Post by Spork. »

Hey NP.

I'm not sure how much I can say here that will be useful to you but I do know the feeling of wanting an escape. Unfortunately I've found that none of the 'escapes' we use really give any relief and quite often tend to make the situation worse in hindsight.

It sounds like you did a really good and smart thing for yourself in getting rid of all of the alcohol in the house so well done.

As far as your ex supervisor goes it's still very recent right? I wonder if any change would take time to come in to place.
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Muir
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Re: Alcohol, I guess

Post by Muir »

I'm sorry you're struggling so much np. It sounds like you could really do with learning some healthy coping mechanisms. It's great to throw away all the alcohol - but that doesn't deal with the root of the issue. There's nothing replacing that need to drink.

I think you had problems because of your ex-supervisor, but I don't think they were the whole problem. I know you tend to feel a bit reluctant about getting professional support, but maybe it's something to reconsider? I think learning some healthy coping mechanisms might really help to get you to a better place.
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nonperson
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Re: Alcohol, I guess

Post by nonperson »

She hasn't been at work since mid March so she's been gone a long time already.

I bought loads the other week but didn't binge on it which was surprising... but today is different and tonight is difficult. I have no choice but to be present with all these feelings and I don't know how to make them go away.

How on Earth do I get professional support now without being able to make an appointment?

A lot of me doesn't want to have healthy coping skills... I want to destruct and hurt myself and feel things instead of bottling it all up.
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Spork.
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Re: Alcohol, I guess

Post by Spork. »

My mistake, I didn't realise she had been gone for so long.

Do you know what the feelings that you're trying to run from are today?
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nonperson
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Re: Alcohol, I guess

Post by nonperson »

It was only a couple of weeks ago we were told of her resignation though.

No, I can't describe it very well. It's like... everything and nothing all at once.
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Spork.
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Re: Alcohol, I guess

Post by Spork. »

I think not knowing what it is going on only adds to the frustration too. At least it does for me. Is there anything healthy that you find makes you feel better?
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nonperson
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Re: Alcohol, I guess

Post by nonperson »

I actually can't think of anything and that's depressing in itself.
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Spork.
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Re: Alcohol, I guess

Post by Spork. »

Do you think that finding it hard to recognise and voice your emotions makes it harder to manage them?
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nonperson
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Re: Alcohol, I guess

Post by nonperson »

Hm, probably.
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