Freaking Out

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Freaking Out

Post by Mikki » Sat Mar 23, 2019 4:00 am

I feel like I should be happy now but I’m not. I’m graduating in two months. I got an amazing internship for the summer. I have a med school interview all set up. I’m still being considered for an amazing grant. I get to go on vacation for my interview.

But knee surgery and one hip surgery later and I still need another knee surgery and I may need my femur rotated in yet another surgery, my other hip is getting worse from the extra stress on it and so I may need surgery on that as well. The scars from the surgery are triggering me, why can someone else cut me open but I can’t?
I’m not allowed to do much right now. I just have to sit and watch tv which, funny enough, is boring me to death and I want to go to school but I can’t. The irony is that if i was going to school I’d be wishing I wasn’t.
My therapist keeps telling me that if I’m doing okay she can give me clearance if I get the grant I applied for but she stops me while I’m talking to remind me of this so I feel like she is allowing me to lie to her or giving me permission I don’t know. It is so hard because I don’t know when I will find out if I got it or not and if I get multiple offers for things in the fall then I will have to make a decision which I am not good at doing.

I feel like I am going crazy.
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Re: Freaking Out

Post by Muir » Sat Mar 23, 2019 12:16 pm

Having all of those things doesn't mean you should be happy. You also have a lot of stress with all the surgeries. Maybe you could do something like knitting or reading or even some studying as something to do besides watching TV.

I don't think she's encouraging you to lie. I think she's probably just trying to remind you of the good things that are there too.

Hang in there, you're nearly at the next stage of things.
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Re: Freaking Out

Post by happywondering » Sun Mar 31, 2019 9:47 am

Hey Mikki, after i left uni i had a girfriend, a degree, a job, everything on paper was perfect. However I was very depressed. Having those things doesn't mean you should be happy, unfortunately it isn't as simple as that. I can't imagine what you are going through surgery wise though, that must be having a impact on you, espcially the recovery afterwards. It's funny really, there is a huge difference between not being able to do something and not wanting to do it. So I understand how frustated and bored you are getting doing nothing. It's because you can't do anything else, and that in itself is just, well, for lack of a better word, shit.

I hope your other surgeries go ok and you recover quickly.

Also, try not to worry about having to make decisions in the future. You can't do it now and you don't know what options you will have until later. It's a hard thing to do, but i try and let go of the things I can't change right now. When it does come to it though, you know you can ask for advice and weigh up all the positives and negatives of each option.

I hope you feel better soon.
I don’t want to be human. I want to see gamma rays, I want to hear X-rays, and I want to smell dark matter.
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