Bad times

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Zurg
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Bad times

Post by Zurg » Wed Sep 11, 2019 6:35 pm

I'm not really in a very good place atm. I am coming off one of my meds and i am having a hard time adjusting mentally and emotionally. The med has pretty much kept a lid on my emotions for the past twelve years and so i haven't really been in the extreme ranges of my emotional states for most of that time. But i am almost off it now and boy, have the emotions suddenly peaked with a vengance!!!! Anger has, of course, been a thing for all of that time but now it's no longer anger, it's rage. I yell at people. I am not usually someone who does that. I get so angry so fast that i have even been close to punching people once or twice.

I am pretty much an emotional mess right now. Which has led to some pretty servere self harm in order to calm myself down just enough to use some logic and reasoning with myself.
The self harm is a problem. I had to change my bedding today because it was covered in blood and i feel so sad and frustrated and angry because i can't Seem to control anything right now.
I am spending all my money in a very reckless manner and i can't seem to stop myself from doing so. It makes me even more angry at myself than i was before.
All these intense and extreme emotions send me into even deeper anger, sadness and frustration. I have never been good at handling emotions. It has been a problem for pretty much all of my life. But now.... now it's totally gone to hell.

I have a support woker and a cpn. They trigger me majorly, mostly my support worker. Some of the things he says leaves me so mad that i want to tell him to get the hell out of my flat. My cpn makes me tired because she has this energy around her that just drains me completely after half an appointment.

I know i ought to call someone. Even if it's just a friend. But my head keeps putting obstacles in place by making me zone out every now and then and then i completely forget everything i'm supposed to do and it leaves me unable to get anything done. I spend so much time getting worked up by stupid things that it's not even funny. I am close to a hysteric rage every time i accidentally drop something. Which happens an awful lot. I feel like i am running on the fumes because i have no more left to give.

I take prn. I try to do the right things. But i feel so lost right now that i'm not even sure what the right things are.....
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Spork.
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Re: Bad times

Post by Spork. » Wed Sep 11, 2019 6:45 pm

It sounds like you're having a very, very difficult time right now Zurg.

Firstly, know that you are always welcome here and I'm happy to listen.

May I ask if there's a background reason for coming off of the meds? Obviously withdrawal can be a very tough time to get through and it sounds like you're struggling right now.
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Muir
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Re: Bad times

Post by Muir » Wed Sep 11, 2019 7:10 pm

I'm sorry things are so difficult. I was also going to ask the same thing that Zoe did.
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Zurg
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Re: Bad times

Post by Zurg » Wed Sep 11, 2019 8:46 pm

I have some side effects that have made me want to get off the med. It seems to cause me a lot of muscle painand i have fought claws and fangs to getthem to take me off it. When i finally managed to get my treatment team to listen to me i was a very happy bunny.

I knew it might be hard to get off this particular med (risperidone) but i suppose i had not really anticipated how hard.... i've been on it for some 12 years....

I am also taking abilify. The risperidone is given as an injection and i take the abilify as tablets but thye want me to get that as an injection when the risperidone is stopped completely.

I am very reluctant to go back on risperidone. I have tried almost every other med in the book. Most of them, my body can't handle very well. Terrible side effects and things that affect my heart among other things.....
i am also becoming a bit 'anti meds' on my old days. I don't think there's enough information about most anti psychotics seen from a patient's perspective. It has also been brought to my attention that being on anti psychotics for many years will increase your risk for an early death with no specific and obvious cause. The Way i see it there's a huge ethical dilemma with these meds and i don't think the professionals are taking it seriously enough.

Sorry, rant over.
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Muir
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Re: Bad times

Post by Muir » Wed Sep 11, 2019 9:33 pm

I can understand the difficulties and concerns with meds. I think a lot of the time for people, it's kinda like a cost-benefit analysis. So working out if the benefits of the meds outweigh the side effects.

It really would be worth talking ti your treatment team about what you're experiencing. They'll be able to advise you if it's a normal reaction to coming off the med, and how long it's likely to take to improve and what you could do in the meantime.

I do hope it wears off soon and it's just an adjustment period for your body. I think it would be a good idea to keep a daily log of how you're feeling. Sometimes when you're living it, it can be hard to see if there are slight improvements or worsenings. It would also be a useful thing to be able to show your team so they can see what the day to day is like for you right now.
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Spork.
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Re: Bad times

Post by Spork. » Wed Sep 11, 2019 9:40 pm

You don't have to apologise Zurg. You're absolutely right that not enough is known.

I choose to take medications because my life without them is so unbearable that it really doesn't matter how much earlier I die if I can't live - if that makes sense. But like you I've been on many I wanted to get off very quickly because they didn't sit right with me.

What is your priority is personal to you and I wouldn't judge that in any way at all.
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Zurg
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Re: Bad times

Post by Zurg » Sat Sep 14, 2019 2:29 pm

It has taken me a while to get back to this. Spent a day in a sort of crisis house but it didn't really help. It just stressed me out to be somewhere away from my home and my pets. I was glad to leave the next morning and go home.

Things are not really good. My cpn was supposed to call me a while ago about the med change but she hasn't called yet and for some reason i can't make myself call her or even just text her. I keep thinking about something my supportworker Said about how some side effects just get used as bad excuses by the people who take them so they can avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. It just really shocked and angered me that he could have such an arrogant and shallow outlook on something so serious. I actually wish i never had to see him again because it felt like such a hurtful thing to say.

I don't know. They all go on about how best to help me but sometimes it feels like when i actually need some help pretty fast then they are all vanished off to somewhere else.....

I suppose it's on me now. I have to do something for it to change but i am too tired. Too overwhelmed. They often say that, that requires an admission but i am not going to go in voluntarily. Hospitals are awful on a good day and downright terrible on a bad one.

It's really past the “call a friend”-point..... i don't want my friends to feel like it's their job to sort me out and make me seek help. I know i have to do it myself but i just don't see the point right now. I guess that's the story of my life in a nutshell.
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Spork.
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Re: Bad times

Post by Spork. » Sat Sep 14, 2019 3:20 pm

It's hard when you're tired and you don't see a point to carrying on fighting.

I understand what you mean when you say you can't bring yourself to call or text. My anxiety often gets the better of me and makes that not super possible to do. I will also say they're usually rushed off their feet though and it's easy to not get round to things as quickly as you want to. I don't say that to defend the state of the system at all. Merely because sometimes it helps me to put things with rational context instead of feeling like it's me they're avoiding if that makes sense? Not to say you do that. Really I'm just thinking outloud because I don't have any practical advice to give.

I think it's probably very easy to get cynical in a job like that because I'm sure they have had people who don't want to be on meds using it as reasoning but that doesn't mean that it's at all professional to be saying that to you.
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Muir
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Re: Bad times

Post by Muir » Sat Sep 14, 2019 10:45 pm

I'm sorry things are so tough.

I know it's extremely difficult when you don't get the support you need from your CPN and team. I'm not sure how things are where you are, but I know here that a big part of it is that they are under-resourced and overworked. I know it doesn't help your situation, but sometimes it can at least help to know it's not personal.

That doesn't sound like a very nice thing for a support worker to say. I think like Zoe said, there can be some reasoning behind it, but it doesn't make it correct or professional.

I understand not wanting an admission, but I will say it's often easier to make the decision to go in voluntarily. In my experience it's less stressful, easier to get things like leave and usually results in less time there. Just worth a thought if you think you'll end up in hospital anyway, sometimes it's better to make the choice yourself.

I am sorry things are so hard, and I hope you manage to get the right support and start feeling better soon.
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