I've been kidding myself

Post Reply
User avatar
Puck
Posts: 6740
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:39 pm

I've been kidding myself

Post by Puck »

I've been really struggling, i thought after completing my degree and being discharged from mh services I could be the free and happy person I always wanted to be. But the opposite is true I've been depressed and full of self hate since the beginning of december, and it's gotten worse New year was my worst in years, i found myself wishing I no longer existed and I've self harmed every day since just because I'm so angry at myself because my situation hasn't changed. I'm at home alone full of anxiety and hurt, I'm still vulnerable, I'm still ill, on top of that I'm fighting to get my business started, I've got a website to do, council visit to sort and get my room ready but today my car broke down and is in the garage so can't get it ready until that is done! More money I don't have, I'm so sick of worrying about money. Today I just couldn't stop crying I've been on the path to self destruct I can feel my world imploding. I no longer see my mates I used to go away once a month and have connection and laughs now I'm alone. I'm a mess basically and I really hate myself for being in a mess. I hate myself for a lot of things, I've gotten permission to increase my antidepressant so I'll try that. I don't know what else I can do. I don't want to go back to my services this soon, i still want to try on my own.

Basically I thought I'd be fantastic but I'm not.
I just needed to reach out. I needed it in writing that I'm not doing well and how I'm feeling so I can see if I'm improving, sorry that it's so mopey.
User avatar
Muir
Site Admin
Posts: 5359
Joined: Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:28 pm

Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Muir »

I'm sorry you're struggling so much Meg. I think sometimes we expect that when x is over, I'll be okay, but it often doesn't work that simply. I think you need to remember that your situation is changing. It's a process, and it will take some time, and that's okay. Trying the increased meds is a good idea, but don't be afraid to rely on services too. It doesn't have to be a 'going back' thing, you an sometimes just check in and talk through things and that can be helpful. Trying on your own doesn't mean you can't let other people support you too.

Maybe it could help to write down some of the positive things that happen/that you do, like one thing a day - and then you can have that to look back on to see the progress you've made.

Also, I don't know what your experience with websites is but if you do need any help or advice, you can give me a shout.
User avatar
Spork.
Posts: 15688
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2018 8:28 pm

Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Spork. »

I'm sorry things are rough right now Meg <3

I agree with Muir. Things aren't over just because you've been discharged. Goals are continually changing for us to improve ourselves and our lives and it's okay to use the support available if it would help you to feel more supported and on track.

Just as an aside, I have seen positive things out of you this month too. That isn't to be dismissive of how you're feeling but just to say that sometimes when we don't feel good we forget about any positives amongst the negative feelings.
User avatar
Puck
Posts: 6740
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:39 pm

Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Puck »

Thank you both for being so kind and thoughtful. I just feel bad that I am struggling so hard already, I'm going to give the increase in AD's a try and let it settle in if I'm not improving by February I'll call the duty worker on my mh team and see what they advise. If it gets desperate I can call the crisis team.

I'll try the positive perspectives one thing a day I certainly doable! And thanks Muir the website is being done through a design company, it's just liaising with them and figuring what to write etc I really appreciate you offering your help. And thank you Zoe, mum says my perception of myself is skewed and that I have no reason to feel like I should hate myself. That she would tell me if there is any part of me she didn't like and she never has. I know it's my mood at the moment doing this, i just can't control it but I'm going to try and encourage positive thinking.

My dad sent me a door stop, it's a lovely soft fox and he said he thought it could accompany my weighted blanket because he is more like a soft toy than worthy of being put in front of a door on the floor. And he is right he's lovely and noone would know the difference he's just got a weighted bum! My dad is nothing but constructive it made me laugh, he's sat on my lap at the moment!
User avatar
Spork.
Posts: 15688
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2018 8:28 pm

Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Spork. »

Haha, that's a really brilliant gift from your Dad!

I think our perception can all be a little bit like that at times we're not doing well Meg. We're quick to point out our own failures and don't give ourselves any praise for the good. For example that chat I had with you about either letting things dictate your mood or seeing them as a sign of how far you've come. After that you decided to go out and do something with your mum and had a really lovely time but those things slip from our mind easily when it feels like the world is coming down on us.
User avatar
Muir
Site Admin
Posts: 5359
Joined: Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:28 pm

Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Muir »

It sounds like you have a plan, which is good.

At least you have somewhere doing the tech side, still if you do need any help feel free to shout.

Aw that's nice of your dad. The fox definitely deserves to be on your lap or bed rather than the floor!
User avatar
Puck
Posts: 6740
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:39 pm

Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Puck »

Very true Zoe I did have a lovely time then and again with my dad when he came over!

I've got a massive headache but did chores so I can feel I did something and I quite enjoyed doing it. I'm resting now with my dog on me!

Thank you Muir I'll keep your website offer in mind 💜
User avatar
Spork.
Posts: 15688
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2018 8:28 pm

Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Spork. »

I'm glad you got some chores out of the way but look after your poor head too!
User avatar
Puck
Posts: 6740
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:39 pm

Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Puck »

I took some painkillers and had a nap a dark room woke up and it's slightly better but still pretty grim I think I've been grinding my teeth and that's brought it on! I'm aiming to do one thing a day so that I feel I'm being useful around the house and that I can chill without feeling guilty.
User avatar
Spork.
Posts: 15688
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2018 8:28 pm

Re: I've been kidding myself

Post by Spork. »

I'm glad it's a little better. Grinding teeth is never good. I make my jaw hurt sometimes clenching my teeth without meaning to.

I like that plan Meg but it might also be worth having a 'day off' if you can manage it without feeling too bad. Just a bit of something to look forward to.
Post Reply