Always dreading tomorrow

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Frisk
Posts: 182
Joined: Fri Oct 26, 2018 5:06 pm

Always dreading tomorrow

Post by Frisk »

I love sleep, but I hate needing to sleep, because tomorrow is fucking terrifying every damn time, and when I sleep it becomes tomorrow all of a sudden. And here I am, it's 3am, I'm meant to be up at 6, fuck my life, I want to cry.
I think there was a quote from Bojack, the hard part isn't doing the thing, it's having to do it every day. Having to get up every day and face every day, even when my brain is screaming for a break, because the reward for doing the thing shouldn't be to stop doing the thing.
The best reward is to stop having to worry about tomorrow, or the day ahead, but I don't know how.
How do you stop dreading the day ahead?
I don't even know what it is about the day ahead, I just dread it, no matter what.
Unless my partner is there, then I stop worrying and stop dreading, then I don't have to rely on me and it's less exhausting. On my own I have to remember everything and do everything and look after myself and organise things and stick to things and it has to be perfect and when I mess up on my own I can't shut my brain up. Even if I have a plan or a schedule that I've written out, no matter how specific or general it is, I can't meet it on my own, I never quite do it well enough, but with someone else there, none of it matters the same, him being there is like a safety net, I guess? It's nice having that break from being so hard on myself. I don't have to wake up and think about how I'll mess up today because my messing up doesn't matter to him and if it matters so much to me, I just have to say, and then when he doesn't act angry or upset, it melts away.
But I don't know how to do that for myself. It's the same old, hey, I made myself a hot chocolate, why am I not soothed? I wrapped myself in a blanket, why don't I feel safe? I got a lot done today, why don't I feel like that was good enough? Yesterday went well, the day before went well, the last time I looked for thesis sources the computer didn't combust, last time I hoovered spiders didn't start pouring out from under the sofa in a black sea, so why am I dreading the day ahead? And I don't know how to stop this.
I think I'm looking for advice, even if I've heard it before, and to be heard, either is helpful.
Have courage and be kind to yourself
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Spork.
Posts: 15688
Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2018 8:28 pm

Re: Always dreading tomorrow

Post by Spork. »

I actually think you summed a lot of it up in what you said yourself Ash. It sounds like a lot of the issue is the level of perfection you're expecting from yourself. Life would be impossibly for everybody if they always had to get everything just right because none of us are perfect people.

I'm not sure there's a quick fix I can give you for that unfortunately bevause it's usually something deeper than just randomly needing things perfect. I've been like that a lot myself in the past but I've realised a lot more the last couple of years that done is better than waiting got perfect.
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nonperson
Posts: 5558
Joined: Wed Oct 31, 2018 7:19 pm

Re: Always dreading tomorrow

Post by nonperson »

I'm not sure I have advice but just want to say I've read and really do understand everything you've said there. It isn't a nice place to be, dreading every day especially when you know the fears aren't logical. I am glad you have someone to take the pressure off though, that is a really good thing to be able to have a break from relying on yourself. Does your partner know how much help they are? Could they do anything more (within reason) to help you out?
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