Title

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Puck
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Title

Post by Puck »

I'm really really struggling, My nan has become seriously unwell these past few days but not with covid. My mum and aunt have been with her all day and she was taken to hospital an hour ago. We can't be with her and she's very good at hiding her confusion and I'm worried. She has manipulative issues that she uses to create chaos and rifts in our family and she's been in fine fettle this past week, I've seen her impact on my mum and I've been angry at her and thinking so many mean things, and while I've seen her at her door I haven't been able to give her a hug. Mum's worried about abdominal cancer and I put that in her head after remembering symptoms from my medicine exam in year 2 of my degree now shes worried after googling and it never occurred to her before.

My self harm has been out of control anyway since Christmas and it's basically all I've done thats productive today, what if I never see her again? Im so worried that my last impression will be the mean things I thought about her. What does that say about me? I can forgive her she put me in the scapegoat position in the family but I don't care and I don't want her to be alone and scared in a hospital she's never been alone before and I'm worried about her, I'm worried about my mum and My aunt but mostly my mum. This is the last thing we will need.

I'm also sick of worrying about everything I'm just fed up with all this. I want a pause button and I know that's selfish. I'm sorry.
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Spork.
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Re: Title

Post by Spork. »

Meg I'm so short on sleep today that I'm not able but I'm just putting this here as a placeholder and for you to know I have every intention of coming back and doing what I can.

You are a good and decent person. We all think bad things sometimes, it doesn't make us bad people. <3
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Muir
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Re: Title

Post by Muir »

I'm sorry Meg, that sounds really difficult and it must be so hard not being able to visit. We all think things like that sometimes, it's completely normal and nothing to guilty about. Is there any way you could have a chat with her on the phone, or make her a nice card? That way if anything does happen you'll have a nice last thought. Even if you can't give the card to her, it'll give you a chance to put down some nice thoughts?

I can completely understand the worry, and I'm sorry things are so rough. Make sure you try to look after you and be kind to yourself too. It's not selfish to want to pause things, we all feel that sometimes, or a lot of the time. It's okay to feel that way.
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Puck
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Re: Title

Post by Puck »

Thank you both for your kind words, I'm not up to thinking of a reply just yet, it took me a while to write the initial post but I have read your replies and appreciate them deeply
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nonperson
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Re: Title

Post by nonperson »

Hey, I'm also sorry to hear that things are so tough. Not that it helps particularly but my nan has also been having some health issues (not covid) and has been in and out of hospital/had ambulances called, etc, so I completely understand the worry of what might happen and not being able to be there to provide support. I think a letter or card would be nice if you feel that is something you could do and would help.

I also think that you're not a mean person in the slightest. Everyone has bad thoughts about people, and especially family because they're often the people who drive us up the wall the most! But those mean thoughts aren't your true feelings and won't be what you remember about her.

These are worrying times in general, it's really not fair to have additional worry on top of that. Whatever happens though, you have your mum and your aunt and they have you and you can all get through it together.
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Spork.
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Re: Title

Post by Spork. »

So I'm a little more awake this morning and all yours to support you any way I can.

Having a re-read through - firstly illness it rough on everybody. Of course it's primarily the person it's happening to who has to deal with it but it's okay to have your own feelings and have a hard time with it too. It impacts everybody around the person with the illness to.

I think it is completely natural to be angry with somebody who has caused issues in the family, particularly if you are the person who has been singled out in that.

With regards to the self-harm. Did you have any luck getting back in to contact with the mental health team? I know that's probably difficult right now but I do think it would be a good thing for you. It's not a failure to recognise that you need a little support.
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Puck
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Re: Title

Post by Puck »

Hi thanks for your kind replies I was overwhelmed by the kindness! Long story short, nan has had a stroke and is in a rehab ward she's very confused texting and ringing at all hours we went through this with my grandad I just hope it's not the same slow deterioration he had , I don't think I could cope with it again. I'm feeling very stressed and low, irritable and overwhelmed, I'm struggling to keep my head level for my mum. Going back to mh services hasn't really occurred to me, mum would wonder why and I don't particularly want to at the same time, I see no point in bothering them, last time they just said use mindfulness and techniques i knew. I know what to do it's more I'm too stressed to care about myself. Everyone else feels more important.
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Spork.
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Re: Title

Post by Spork. »

I'm very sorry to hear about your Nan, Meg. That has to be stressful for her and all of you around her. I will be keeping my fingers crossed for successful rehab.

I think that mood makes complete sense given the situation but what I would say to you if that it's hard to stay level and support others if you're struggling yourself. Maybe it would be worth reframing kindness and taking care of yourself as a means of being able to help others more rather than you do or don't care about yourself if that makes sense?

Either way I know you have value to every single one of us here.
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Muir
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Re: Title

Post by Muir »

I'm really sorry about your nan Meg, that's really difficult. I think all of those feelings are completely understandable right now. I do think talking to MH services is a good idea - worst case is they say use mindfulness techniques again and you're in the same position you are right now anyway. If your mum asks why you could just say that this is a difficult situation for everyone right now, and you're trying to keep on top of your health instead of allowing things to get out of control. You are very much important, even if you can't see it. And caring for yourself will help you to have more to give to the people around you right now too. You're important to us, and we want you to be cared for <3
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Puck
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Re: Title

Post by Puck »

I just spoke to my nan on the phone, and said we loved each other I'm glad I got to say that... Just in case and I can know our exchange was kind and loving. we took her charger and some clothes to the ward obviously couldn't go in though.. Surprisingly there weren't many staff wearing masks or gloves, we were. I was quite shocked actually. She sounds quite confused still but she's not convinced she has had a stroke. She's not allowed any books can't find her glasses and one hearing aid and she's in a bay where people are in comas so no one to talk too other than staff.. So I'm worried about mental wellbeing but It was so good to hear her voice, My relief is great it means I don't have to self harm tonight too. My dad says he's sent me something in the post coming tomorrow to keep me company when I'm sad, I'm wondering what it is!
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