Need opinions please

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Skylarspal
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Joined: Tue Jul 21, 2020 4:02 pm

Need opinions please

Post by Skylarspal »

Hi , I’m new here, this is my first post, hopefully I’m in the right area.
In the midst of a crisis this morning. I have terminal cancer, it has slowly progressed over the past two years, in the last few days it has accelerated and I have only weeks left. Two weeks ago I lost my best friend and companion suddenly ( a teacup Yorkie) and I woke up this morning desperately sad and lonely.
I called my best friend, told her I was in crisis and asked if she could come spend some time with me... to talk and listen. (She lives in an apartment one floor up from me). She said she was unable to come, that she has a lot to do because she’s going out of town tomorrow but would see me when she gets back in a few days.
Three weeks ago this friend was having a real problem, our landlord threatened to evict her. He had no bases to do so, he was using intimidation tactics and provided her with false information in an effort to scare her. I recognized what he was doing, and falling back on my former career as a rights advocate, I did some research, I prepared some documents for her and I prepped her on how to conduct herself in a meeting with him. She won her case solely based on the information I prepared for her. I did that for her while I was in and out of hospital over a three day period.
Am I being selfish in now expecting her to be here for me in my time of need?
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Spork.
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Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2018 8:28 pm

Re: Need opinions please

Post by Spork. »

Hi Skylarspal. You're absolutely in the right area :)

I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm a dog person myself and I know how hard it can be when you lose them. They really are part of the family.

I can understand how upsetting it must be for you to feel the way you do right now and not have anybody there to provide support. I don't think that it's selfish to want that at all though it may be that she's genuinely unable to right now and it's not that she doesn't want to.

If there's anything that we can do for you here that would be of help to you I'm happy to listen. I know it's not the same as in person though.
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Muir
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Re: Need opinions please

Post by Muir »

Hi Skylarspal, welcome to TGL. I'm so sorry to hear you have terminal cancer - that must be really difficult, and I'm sorry you lost your companion, that's an awful lot to deal with.

It's really hard when someone we need isn't available when we need them to be, especially when you've done so much for them. I think it's okay to feel disappointed, but also you have to respect that she can't be there right now. Do you have any other friends or family? Or perhaps some palliative care support available to you?
Skylarspal
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Jul 21, 2020 4:02 pm

Re: Need opinions please

Post by Skylarspal »

Thank you both for your replies. As if things were bad this morning, now they are even worse.
My friend came down to visit me after all. As I was crying and pouring my heart out, her daughter walked into my apartment and sat down with us. (Her daughter is a lovely lady and we’re well acquainted) I immediately stopped talking and was noticeably annoyed, in turn that made my friend mad. I tried to explain that when I told her I needed someone to talk to, I meant her, just her. She pointed at her daughter and yelled “so you don’t want her here?” I explained that It wasn’t that at all, I just needed a friend, not both of them. They both left in a huff.
Am I being unreasonable or is it appropriate for her to invite her daughter into my home during my time of need?
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Spork.
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Re: Need opinions please

Post by Spork. »

You're more than welcome.

I'm sorry it seems to have escalated since then. I don't think it's unreasonable to be irritated by her inviting her daughter to join you. I would say particularly without informing you because perhaps you wouldn't have had the difficult conversation with her in the first place if you'd expected more company.
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Muir
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Re: Need opinions please

Post by Muir »

I'm sorry that happened - it's difficult when you're trying to be open with someone and then another person comes along. I think it's understandable that you feel annoyed by it, but equally your friend probably didn't mean any harm by it and might have thought she was doing something good by providing extra company.
Skylarspal
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Jul 21, 2020 4:02 pm

Re: Need opinions please

Post by Skylarspal »

Unfortunately it looks as though I have lost a friend over this matter. I sent my friend an email explaining that I really needed somebody to talk to and confide in this morning and that as much as I like her daughter I really wanted to speak with her alone.
I told her (gently) that I felt it was unfair that without asking she invited her daughter into my home and expected me to open up to both of them.
She replied, telling me that if her daughter isn’t part of the equation I can find another friend.
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Spork.
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Re: Need opinions please

Post by Spork. »

I'm sorry that's the way it has gone. Is there any chance that she's likely to calm down a bit given some time?
Skylarspal
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Joined: Tue Jul 21, 2020 4:02 pm

Re: Need opinions please

Post by Skylarspal »

I doubt she will change her mind, but honestly, I don’t know that I want somebody like that as a friend.
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Spork.
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Re: Need opinions please

Post by Spork. »

Well I think that's a fair enough feeling too. I don't think it'll help your stress levels much if you're having to deal with that.
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