Write and Chill

Forum for general chit-chat and discussion.
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Enry
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Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2020 11:54 am

Write and Chill

Post by Enry »

Hey guys, Cherry's birthday is right around the corner and I told him I would write a small piece of fiction for him.
There's just one problem, I've never been confident about my writing skills, I'm afraid he might find it cringy.
I could really use a beta reader, is anyone interested in reading my work?
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Muir
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Re: Write and Chill

Post by Muir »

Give it a post here if you feel up to it and I'm sure a few of us will have a read =)
Enry
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Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2020 11:54 am

Re: Write and Chill

Post by Enry »

Elijah glanced at the young gal.
He started from the bottom of her elegant figure and slowly rose to the top.
Her long, thin legs resembled those of a heron.
They look so frail, how is she even standing? Thought Elijah.
Her scrawny physique was hidden behind a blue dress, it must have seemed reasonable to lock up such a delicate and fragile body under a thick piece of cloth, but that intricate outfit had a flaw, it couldn’t hide her long, gracious neck.
Her weathered face had been adorned with a touch of eccentricity, her hair was unconventionally short for a young damsel.
These traits sure made her a memorable encounter, but Elijah’s attention was focused on another detail, her eyes.
Those wide blue eyes were telling a story of their own, they carried shame, resentment, but most of all, fear.
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Spork.
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Re: Write and Chill

Post by Spork. »

It looks really good Enry. I have a couple of comments if you wouldn't mind - and feel free to ignore them!

Her scrawny physique was hidden behind a blue dress, it must have seemed reasonable to lock up such a delicate and fragile body under a thick piece of cloth, but that intricate outfit had a flaw, it couldn’t hide her long, gracious neck.

^ That sentence is a little long for my liking. I would probably use a fullstop after the first part where you have a comma. You've also used the word long a couple of times within it and I wonder if you could change once of those to another synonym for long.

Otherwise it looks fantastic :)
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Muir
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Re: Write and Chill

Post by Muir »

Nice job Enry. I would be inclined to change gal to girl or woman. Gal tends to be a little bit more like casual so I don't think it fits as well with your writing still. Really good job though, I hope Cherry likes it
Enry
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Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2020 11:54 am

Re: Write and Chill

Post by Enry »

Thank you for your feedback, it means the world to me!
I'll try to implement your suggestions.
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Spork.
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Re: Write and Chill

Post by Spork. »

No problem at all! I hope it helps :)
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nonperson
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Re: Write and Chill

Post by nonperson »

I know nothing about writing, other than grammar, so all I can say is that it read very well and was quite intriguing. =)
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