Being bullied for as long as you can remember sounds a little ridiculous, but in my case, unfortunately, it’s true. From primary school and above.
Friendships for me as a child were hard to navigate. Due to the fact I’d rarely experienced positivity, I was a needy and screwed up child. I was constantly scared they didn’t like me anymore and didn’t want to play with me, so much so that I would ask them for reassurance… multiple times a day. As I’m sure you can imagine even as an adult that can cause patience to wear thin. But with 7 year olds?! It gets old fast, to the point that one day they would eventually say…
“NO!!! We don’t like you anymore and you can’t play with us anymore. Go away!”
So that became my pattern. I became a child who was terrified of rejection to the point where I created my own rejection… multiple times. I spent most of my schooling life on my own; a ‘loner’ you might call it.
Actually, the sophisticated British youths of the noughties would call it a ‘larry’. I don’t know who Larry is and why he has anything to do with it, though.
But being alone most of the time made me a target. Obviously children of primary age tend to have a somewhat limited capacity for harmful bullying, but when I was that age, it wasn’t fun. Moving up to middle school it got worse, more kids from multiple primary schools in kind of a rough area. In my first week, I literally seemed to attract trouble.
There wasn’t a healthy developing sense of self because all of this bullying, and being a part of various friendship groups temporarily before getting ousted, didn’t promote one. The more time went on, the damage it was doing to my mental state, it went round in a very vicious cycle. After 4 years of this school I moved to high school. Turns out this school was the worst. It’s hard to contemplate just how evil and cruel some kids can be.
Year 11: the last year of mandatory schooling. After about 10 years of this, plus aforementioned friendship issues, I really has just had enough. I was depressed, I was anxious and very on edge.
In those 10 years I had been told and learned many things: I was dirty (I wasn’t, I was fairly well kempt and clean, just a bit plain), I was infected; if touched, the toucher would catch something. I was ugly – more specifically a ‘minger’ lol, again, gotta love those sophisticated British youths! I wasn’t worthy of friendship or kindness. There had to be something seriously wrong with me because I was the common denominator in all these years, right? I fully believed I was the things they said I was because I’d taken it all on. I believed this because it wasn’t just one person. This was multiple people, many of which didn’t know each other, over a large space of time.
What I have now realised is that all of this became very internalised, and when moving on to university and entering adulthood, I didn’t know anything but bullying (for 80% of my life and not just bullies at school). I hated myself because I strongly believed everything I’d been told. That I was a piece of *insert profanity here*, that I was ugly and disgusting inside and out. That I wasn’t, and never would be worthy of kindness and friendship because there was something fundamentally wrong with me, my character and my personality.
I was a total mess of confusion my first year of university. Wanting for friends but having no idea how to keep them. I had no role model to pull a template from in my brain. Not one role model in my 18 years of life to show me: ‘this is what you deserve, this is how you should be treated. This is how you should treat others, this is what you should not tolerate, this is what you should and shouldn’t do’. I was blind and metaphorically flailing around trying to navigate a space that I couldn’t see properly or recognise.
I’d like to say I figured it all out quickly. That with the help and support of kind people who I met in my 4 years away from home, things got better. It wasn’t that simple. When you’re shown nasty behaviour, and told horrible things your whole life, things people would have you believe are your own fault, it’s hard to believe that one person. That one that says, ‘No, you’re beautiful, kind, and a good person. You didn’t deserve all that stuff’, is nice, but I wasn’t about to take the word of one person who barely knows me. Not when I had hundreds of people back home who had convinced me otherwise.
The bottom line is, bullying affects you in so many ways, ways you don’t even realise at the time. I want to tell you it goes away, and for some it does, everyone is different with different life experiences. However, if you’re already vulnerable from your homelife, and then school isn’t remotely safe either, it takes a really long time to heal from it.
Just as is the case with any kind of trauma – because that is what bullying is: trauma.
Due to later experiences and situations, including my mental health deteriorating, it has taken a long time for me to begin to develop healthy friendships and remove myself from toxic people. It took me until I was in my mid twenties to realise that due to my childhood experiences, the people I was gravitating towards were also bullies, but it was subtle and not immediately recognised.
I’m now 30. Do I still remember all the bullying? Yes. Do I still have nightmares frequently relating to some of the things that happened? Yes. Do I still believe most of it was true, like my lack of identity, lack of worth and lack of physical attractiveness? Yes. Do I believe that I will feel like this for the rest of my life? I don’t know, but I do have hope that I won’t.
I wish I could say it’s all fine now, but that wouldn’t be realistic and I’m here to be honest. Not to make you dread that you can never get past it but to let you know that IF it’s still something you’re struggling with in adulthood, there is nothing to feel ashamed about. You’re not not weak; actually, you’re a survivor! Stand proud!
Even though I can’t tell you that it doesn’t still affect me at all, I can tell you that I am healing… with time. It’s a cliche that “time heals”, but it is true for a lot of things. I am now in a place where I am learning how to protect myself, set boundaries, and remove anyone who makes me feel bad about myself in any way. I try to take a lesson away from every negative person who has come in and out in my life.
Therapeutic interventions, especially peer support based, have helped me a lot; I have found really wonderful people who treat me better, and are patient with me. They tell me what my worth is to them and to the world frequently. Even when I am not in a mental place to hear them or believe them, they carry on anyway. I also do the same for them!
Bullying, no matter what your age, can be incredibly traumatic and soul destroying, but the best way I have found to manage those feelings and memories is to talk about it, get it out, in whatever (safe) way you feel is best. Mental health forums (such as TGL!), hand written diaries, talk to a friend or family member. find a counsellor or a therapist if that’s an option for you. Don’t let it sit inside you because those feelings can be insidious and toxic. It’s okay to open up, as much as you need to. Talking can also help you make connections you never realised were there.
Though it’s easier said than done, try to be gentle with yourself and remember that little acts of self-care are important!
You have been through something very painful and damaging, but you ARE worthy of love and kindness and compassion.