I don’t why I’ve started trying to write this today, or maybe I do. It’s because I feel inadequate, riddled with anxiety, lazy, and like I’m not pulling my weight here. It’s because I feel the need to run away from social media right now, to avoid any possible confrontation with a stranger who doesn’t know me, might not know how to take me. I’ve been trying to do my best on social media for The Good Limbo since November. Upfront honesty, I didn’t have a twitter account before this. Social media scares me, interaction with strangers scares me, the possibility of fallout scares me!
So why today then? The truth is that I have no idea. Anxiety can be that way. The last two weeks we’ve had amazing gains in followers and insights. Everything is on the up. That should be a thing to celebrate! But for me it’s a thing that only brings the feeling of more pressure. Well I hit this many impressions yesterday, why am I struggling today? Why can’t I be this good every day? Why am I so lazy and slow today?
I take medication for my anxiety, and have done for a number of years. Medication makes my brain feel slow but without it I’m so deep in to anxiety that I can’t function anyway.
I spend most mornings taking at least an hour to wake from my often too short slumber. I’ll have some coffee because it makes me feel alive, but too much and then we’re back to a ball of anxiety. I sit in front of twitter and look through our feed, see if I’ve had any interaction, see if any of our followers are having a rough day. I search tediously through anything mental health related. Anxiety, depression, self harm, borderline personality disorder, bipolar, mental health recovery and many, many others. I reach out to strangers and try to make sure they know that they are not alone in their feelings. That they have an ally against their own mental health.
Here’s the thing though, I’m rubbish at looking after my own. I let things build up to the point where I cry over anything. I mean literally anything.
Then I cry over the things that are actually difficult too. A letter from the DWP, having to make a phone call to them knowing that I’ll be on hold with the same torturous music for at least half an hour. Knowing that when I have to go to the dreaded Work Capability Assessments they enjoy sending us to, it will inevitably be as far away as they’re possibly allowed. It’s a catch 22. If I turn up then I’m fine right? Because I jumped through their hoop so of course I can function like an adult. If I don’t turn up then they cut me off. Either way it feels like a win-win for the DWP and an all lose situation for me.
I realise this is a bit of a mishmash of a post so far. I’m not really sure what my point when starting it was. Maybe so that people feel there’s somebody they can relate to. Maybe so that others understand that we’re all just trying to muddle through. That we all have good days and bad. And the biggest truth of all for me when starting this mental health community; None of us have a damn clue what we’re doing. We’re just making it up as we go along! (Much like this blog post)
Maybe my point is that we can all fall short when it comes to looking after ourselves. That as much as I preach self care I’m often horrible at doing it. It’s possible that writing this was just a way to get myself off of my arse and start the process of self care. Start to realise that when others tell me I’m doing a great job it’s because I’m doing a great job, and probably not actually because they’re just lying to me. To remind myself that I’m a good person, I care about others, and I am worthy of a little compassion sometimes too.
With all that said and done, despite the pressure I feel to make this a success, and to help others with their own mental health, I have met some amazing people in this community. I have good friends here. I have good people on twitter who are kind to me and who treat me far better than I treat myself. This world can be cruel sometimes. It can feel like everything is bearing down on you. It can feel like there is so much bad, so much pain, so much unfairness but there is so much good too, if you’re only open to seeing it.
And now that I’m finished, it’s time to go and put myself in a warm bath and practice that self care!